Not Gone, Just Waiting
A father carries his child’s photo in his wallet, a fading snapshot of a bond that lives in his heart but not in his life. Estrangement from a child is a grief like no other: alive, raw, and relentless. Family courts and societal silence deepen the wound, but fathers can still find ways to carry their love forward.
Estrangement often begins in the courtroom, where decisions can drastically limit a father’s presence in his child’s life. In the United States, fathers account for only about one in five custodial parents, according to data published in the Journal of Family Studies (2024). When access is reduced to weekends or supervised visits, connection can erode into distance. Over time, conflict and resentment sometimes evolve into parental alienation, where one parent turns a child against the other through manipulation or falsehoods. Research published in Frontiers in Psychology (2022) found that children exposed to parental-alienating behaviors often suffer anxiety, depression, and trauma symptoms lasting well into adulthood.
For fathers, this separation is not just legal, it’s spiritual. There is no language for losing a living child. No ritual, no sympathy cards, no public acknowledgment of the pain. One father described driving past his child’s school, unable to stop because of a court order. Every milestone missed becomes another silent bruise. A report from Shared Parenting Org (2023) found that the vast majority of estranged parents (over 70 percent) experienced divorce or ongoing custody conflict before the separation deepened. The system that should protect families too often fractures them.
The psychological toll is immense. The Mayo Clinic (2024) reports that estrangement can lead to depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts, particularly when compounded by isolation and social stigma. Many fathers describe a collapse of identity, going from being needed every day to being treated as irrelevant. It’s a form of what psychologists call disenfranchised grief: mourning that society refuses to see.
Yet even through pain, love persists. Fathers find ways to keep the bond alive: writing letters they may never send, keeping drawings from preschool days, or marking birthdays in quiet hope. Some turn their grief into purpose, joining advocacy networks or support groups like ours, Fathers Anonymous, where they can share the unspeakable with those who understand. Through ritual and community, they learn that love, though wounded, is not gone.
And sometimes, love returns. Jeffery Leving, a father separated from his young daughter, Emma, for five years due to legal and jurisdictional challenges, finally embraced her again after the coordinated efforts of his legal team reunited them. Michael Pourahmad, who had fled Iran and been apart from his wife, Farahnaz Pourahmad, and daughter, Tiana Pourahmad, for fifteen years, was reunited with them in Adelaide, their reunion a testament to enduring commitment across continents. And in another heartwarming moment, John Matthews and his son, Daniel, separated for seven years, fell into each other’s arms in tears, the depth of their bond unbroken despite the years apart. These reunions don’t erase the time lost, but they prove that love endures, even when the system or circumstance has tried to bury it. Estrangement is a wound that never fully heals, yet it is also a testament to how fiercely a father’s heart can hold on.
The bond between a father and child transcends court orders, false narratives, and time. It waits quietly and faithfully for the chance to bloom again.
-DavidB
Fathers Anonymous
Journal of Family Studies (2024). “Custodial Parents and Gender in the U.S.” SpringerLink.
Verrochio, M. et al. (2022). “Parental Alienating Behaviours: Psychological Impact and Long-Term Effects.” Frontiers in Psychology.
Shared Parenting Org. (2023). “How Adversarial Divorce Contributes to Increased Parental Estrangement in the United States.”
Mayo Clinic Press (2024). “Exploring the Mental Health Toll of Family Estrangement.”
