The Enemies Within: Advocates
In our community of advocates fighting parental alienation, it’s tempting to pin the blame solely on exes, attorneys, or judges. But the truth is, the deepest wounds often come from within, inflicted by those who claim to be on our side or even worse yet, “friends”. Imagine you’re already battered, a dagger lodged in your back from the loss of access to your child. What’s worse than that? Answer: Someone twisting the blade. That dagger was placed by someone close, and to be hurt again, you’ve found it in your heart to let another near again - the deepest betrayal. This is the heart of today’s discussion: the people in our community who, instead of fostering healing, ultimately perpetuate division and toxicity. They want to be the hero, the face, the leader, THE GUY. Unfortunately, the weight of their words essentially becomes fratricide simply because they refuse to place themselves in someone else’s shoes. Parental alienation isn’t a singular event or a one-time wound; it’s a daily torment. The pain is reignited with every sunrise you face without your child. Healing demands unity, yet these figures sow discord, albeit sometimes inadvertently, betraying the very community they claim to champion.
The Quasi-Political and Legislative Type
I often admire those who navigate D.C.’s elite circles, pushing for legislative change to combat parental alienation. And yes, there are only a few main ones and we’re probably thinking about the same people. Their goals to reform laws and reshape the systems/bureaucracies are undeniably valid. But here’s the problem: their relentless focus on tomorrow’s victories often dismisses the men hurting and dying today. These advocates are polished in compartmentalizing and saving face but they tend to lecture fathers to suppress their anger, to “act right” for the cause, as if our raw grief is a liability. Sorry for being me, sorry for hurting, I guess I’m just sorry. Most have merely GLIMPSED the endless ache of years of alienation, yet they presume to dictate our emotions. Society expects advocates to meet people where they are, not shame them for their pain, and yet in some of our circles like this, it seems completely opposite. These men aren’t broken machinery to be fixed; they’re wounded warriors, that we still need by the way…that their KIDS still need. Instead of silencing their rage or sorrow, we should guide them toward healing, helping them channel their pain into purpose for the fight ahead. When these types prioritize optics over empathy, they echo the cold systems we battle. It looks virtuous offering hope for the future, but many are silently bleeding out and it seems the best we can do for them is to tell them to compose themselves? Tell you what, you guys work on meeting the legislators and just send the unacceptably broken our way, where their brokenness can be allowed without passive scorn or shame.
The Famous Commentators
Then there are the high-profile commentators, often maddeningly tone-deaf. Their principles are pragmatic, rooted in tradition, and generally sensible. You nod along, craving their clarity. Then, in a single breath, they dismiss our advocacy (or adjacent ones) as “crybabies,” “not real men,” or mock our reluctance to jump back into relationships as “sounds gay” (looking at you, Matt Walsh and Tucker Carlson from your recent interview with “…What It Really Means to Be a Man…” in the title. Yes. They actually said devastated men not wanting to reengage sounded “gay”). Clinging to their virtuous ideals, often wielding religion as a bludgeon, they speak from a place of fortuned privilege, almost certainly untouched by the realities of alienation. Steven Crowder’s recently inserted “red-pill” suppository is a rare exception, but even then, one has to wonder if it’s more performance than empathy, considering the parachute he has. After all, many of us lost a huge group of friends in the separation and almost none of us have the ability to pay support orders upwards of $25k (for the record - I do wish him and his family a good outcome). Society celebrates these voices for their “tough love,” yet their words only exacerbate brokenness. Their voices have mainstreamed being toxic gossip-girls, sticking their nose up at men that could use tangible support; am I supposed to be thankful for the words? I guess to them, being “a real man”, means using their platform to be the gods we must aspire to be.
But if the advice is to “rub some dirt on it”, I’d say we’re already doing a great job at that in alarming numbers, 6 feet at a time. But please #LikeCommentSubscribe before you do…
The Tough-Guy, Cringe Activist-Influencer
If I’m honest, this is who this is really all about. I’ve served alongside some of these guys, watched them even become catalysts unravelling larger movements simply due to their own ego (I still have receipts). I’ve heard them say they’d gladly become the leader or, “I don’t mind being the face of the movement,” as if it’s a pageant. One in particular churns out pseudo-tough-guy videos, crowing on about how he’d never give up on his kid, as if the rest of us gleefully chose this pain. Conveniently, his attorney, judge, and ex aligned just right, sparing him the fight he romanticizes and portrays. These types thrive on being the loudest, certainly not the wisest, in a community desperate for healing. The trap is that most of us are desperate for someone to relate to so we take the closest bait and get reeled in; one reel at a time. The real tragedy is that these types are the most accessible within our wheelhouse that so many men see these invalidating messages and feel even more isolated because the very people that claim to relate are saying “you’re wrong”. Keep holding signs and having your weird dance parties. Keep selling that merch. Keep getting those subscribers. Keep exploiting the death and pain of men to claim your virtue crowns and algorithm boosts. Keep using peer advocates until their utility runs dry and they find themselves in the crossfire of your duplicity or through the rumor mill.
-or-
In the words of Dave Chapelle, “Or, here’s another idea that’s going to be very controversial … you could shut the f*** up!!!”
In Summary,
Trauma recovery teaches us that healing from parental alienation requires safe spaces to process grief, not judgment from those who should be allies. The pain of alienation isn’t a singular event, it’s a fire rekindled daily, with every missed bedtime story or empty school event. Yet, within our community, certain players, again some inadvertently, often weaponize their platforms, prioritizing clout over compassion. They mirror the divisiveness of the systems we oppose, preaching unity while fostering shame. If we’re to heal, we must lean on one another, not tear each other down.
The irony of my message isn’t lost on me here and considering I’ve done my my fair share of foolishly contributing at times, I’ll take the fall for being the guy to say it…
STOP.GATEKEEPING.OUR.PAIN.
David B
Fathers Anonymous
